I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
