[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
