just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
