don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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