I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
