So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
