Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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