Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
