There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.