So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
