She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
