im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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