How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
