call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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