If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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