So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
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Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
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Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize