Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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