i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
