Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
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