when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
lets start a swedish sibling band together
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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