So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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