Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
