If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
