well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
