break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
