I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
