he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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