seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
