You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
