It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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