New low: just hacked my moms facebook
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
