I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
