last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Pants are for mortals
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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