she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
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