Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
