So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
you win again, gameday.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts