So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
These 25 Soulless Industries Have Been Scamming Us For Years
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect