Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
