so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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