After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
