p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
