You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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