if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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