Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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