To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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