I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
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