you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
