the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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