News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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