he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
