Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
