I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
try to milk me bitch
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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