i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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