How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
