if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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