Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
My ATM looks so different sober.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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