is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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