Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
