Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
