Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
