It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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