My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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