Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
