apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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