you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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